Since March, I’ve been asked many times if faith seems like a failure to me. I totally get this question. Jordan and I knew we were to believe for his complete healing here on earth. There wasn’t a time when Jordan complained or doubted his healing. He used what was left of his voice to praise and declare the faithful works of the Lord during some of his final days here on earth. I knew Jordan was going to be healed… we all did. Instead, he experienced unimaginable pain and died at 23 years of age- and I got a front row seat to watch his suffering.
So what am I supposed to do now that God didn’t do what I begged Him to do?
I’ve realized that faith is more than I’ve given it credit. It is a deep well from which we must draw deeper in order to quench our thirst. When faith doesn’t satisfy our answer, we must go deeper in our faith to receive peace and wholeness.
I still believe in miracles, I still believe in healing. But for me to drop my beliefs because God didn’t do what I wanted Him to do would be cheating myself from the sweet richness of understanding that I will never understand the great depths of God. He is wild. He cannot be tamed. This wildness of God created galaxies we’ve yet to explore, breathed into dust and made man. If He did everything I wanted Him to do, then I could tame Him. And for some reason, there’s great peace in knowing that I could never put God in a cage. It’s this same cage I tried to put Him in when I didn’t think I would marry the man of my dreams because I didn’t think someone like Jordan could exist.
Faith is not a band-aid. It’s a way of living. Faith is standing alone at the end of the day with your husband’s wedding ring in your hand. It’s wretched and deep, it requires more from us than we are comfortable. The more we explore its uncharted terrains, the more we realize what we were created for. Admittedly so, I am glad He’s destroyed all the cages I’ve attempted to put Him in. If I could tame God, I would be heartbroken.
So now here I stand, ready to believe again. If I had to re-walk this journey, I would choose to walk it in bold faith again and again, because this journey exposed me to the most tender love of a faithful Father. He showed me He is wild and boundless, but stooped to my side to hold my hand through the hardest nights. I have seen the gentleness of God that has left me in complete awe. And through this faith journey, He gave me a rare and precious love- He gave me the gift of Jordan.
Faith has never failed me.