Good Grief

My Dear Community, 

Thank you for your love and prayers. Thank you for the encouragement and support. Thank you for standing with me during this time of grief. 

Two months ago from today, I held the hand of my first love and kissed his lips as he breathed his last breath. Jordan walked bravely into the arms of the One whom he lived to serve and love. If I could describe the final moment of his life, I could only paint in such a way: I watched his spirit slip out of the beaten, earth-ridden body and walk into an everlasting life. I felt his life leave his body as I kissed him one last time. He fought with everything and loved everyone intentionally through the most morbid experience of death I have ever witnessed. 

God, my heart is heavy. My heart is torn. I’ve been hit. But You are the Lifter of Heads.

I had almost 9 months with my bridegroom. Every moment was so rich in love and life that it seemed like we truly were married ’75 plus years.’ God let me be with His precious lamb for almost 9 months, and although it didn’t seem long enough to me, I still got the depth of a pure and fearless love that one would get in 75 years of marriage. I got my dream, but in a different way than I had hoped. 

If there’s one thing that I have realized in this journey, it is this: we were not made for death. The original plan was not to experience death. He never intended it to be this way. I often think of what went through His mind as He walked through His perfect garden alongside the first man He ever breathed life into. So in love with His creation, but still fully aware of the ominous future looming ahead. He knew we wouldn’t choose Him- we would choose death. Death so dark and disturbing, we didn’t even know what we were signing up for. But He knew. Yet, He still made a way for us to have life with Him in the end. Because He loves us that much, and He just does stuff like that- redeems broken, twisted, and ugly things. I understand a piece of the relentless love with which He stalks us, always at our heels, breathing at the back of our necks. We can’t escape His love because He already knows what we are going to do anyways. We can run all we want, but we will only run back into His infectious love.

Jesus revealed a piece of His love to me through Jordan. I believe He gave me Jordan to show me parts of Him that I was never exposed to or able to grasp. What a gift. And again I realize, He’s into redeeming broken things.

The hope I have through this time of grief is that in the life Jordan now lives with Jesus. I’ve begged for Jordan to come back so many times. But if Jordan were to come back now, I would stagger to believe heaven was then real and that great of an experience. No, Jordan is full and whole, with the Great Hope, the One whom we are living for in the first place. 

So to you, my dear family in Christ, I want to share with you what I shared in both celebration ceremonies of Jordan’s life. When I look at the community surrounding me during this time of heartache, those of you I have met and have yet to meet, I see soldiers covered in battle wounds. Our armor is battered and torn; we have blood on our bodies, dirt from fighting in the depths of a war.

But we won. We won my friends, because we fought in faith and we all watched Jordan walk into eternal life, completely healed. I look at what seems broken in my life and I see that it is to the desperate attention to a Savior who will redeem. What broken parts are in your life that make absolutely no sense? Redemption is on its way, in some surprising shape or form. Though sometimes, we have to force ourselves to look for it. The great thing about Jesus is that He doesn’t defend Himself, He defends us. He lets us look for that piece of redemption during our grief when we can breathe enough and are ready to see it.

Thank you for standing with me now. Thank you for fighting that long and rugged battle with us. 

Good grief. Have we been through a journey or what.Image

 

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19 comments

  1. Rita Lawrence Cueva · May 20, 2014

    Thank you for sharing your heart, your life, your love, your grief and your wisdom! I continually pray for you and Jordan’s family and I want you to know that so many have been touched, blessed, challenged, changed by the love story you and Jordan shared with the world! Thank you for being willing to let God lead and guide you through your darkest hours! Thank you for being a true example of a follower of Christ! Thank you for being you and for persevering through all of this and laying it all down so that He can put the pieces back together for you! You strong and beautiful! Thank you! Prayers with you always!

  2. Robert Butler · May 20, 2014

    Cady, this is so heart touching, deeply so, I have been amazed at how you have handled this series of events in your life Cady. You have been human and yet full of faith and hope although times of grief have likely overwhelmed you. I was stuck by two things you wrote more than the others and they were 1) Jordon’s last breath and how you wrote about that and the nine months you had with Jordon, As I am writing this I feel the tears and grief and as I think about the nine months, that is a birthing time and whatever God has birthed in you and in Jordon will come forth in its fullness – that I am sure of. Be yourself Cady, be human, the times of grief and sorrow will come in waves – let it be so and God will in his time bring the waves to a diminishing ripple yet you will continue to feel what you felt for Jordon. you are a living example of devotion and dedication to Jesus our Lord. And this I say to you Cady, write a book Cady, write a book………..

    • Ashley · May 20, 2014

      PLEASE write a book, I’ll be first in line

  3. Courtney Buron · May 20, 2014

    Cady, your way with words often leaves me in tears. When I think of your journey with Jordan, I am confident that God has great things to come for you–greater than you can think or imagine.

  4. Scott McDiarmid · May 20, 2014

    Cady, I don’t know you, or did I really know Jordan except as a child. I know Ron and MaryAnn both well though. You have been through a lot, especially for someone so young. I sense you know that this is not the end for you. Be open to anything that God lays out before you in the future. Be blessed.

  5. Becky V. · May 20, 2014

    Beautiful thoughts, Cady. Jordan and your strength was and is such an example and inspiration. It calls us to look higher, to look at Him.

  6. Jennifer Brown · May 20, 2014

    Cady, you don’t know me, but my husband and I are friends of Pam and Kevin Rowsey. We were praying fervently —-and following you and Jordan’s life from when he was first diagosed, to wedding, and through to the end. You and Jordan have been such an inspiration to us! Your faith and trust in God is remarkable! We live in Ann Arbor Michigan, but we hope to meet you some day.
    God Bless You,
    Jennifer and Hershal Brown

  7. Erin Lashley · May 20, 2014

    What an inspiration you are to me Cady! You’re so full of faith…love that about your story! My prayers continue to pour over you and your family…

  8. Amy Martin (shiraya proffitts mom) · May 20, 2014

    Cady, I’m Shiraya’s mom and I diligently prayed for you & Jordan from the moment I heard of his trial. I prayed that God would intercede in your hearts and create a lasting peace & a full life’s marriage no matter how long or short and to read this brings me to tears of joy that God blessed you that way. I know it’s not easy. I’m a mommy and my heart wants to find a big bandaid to help fix the owie, but the best I can do is continue to pray for you and let you know that even though we haven’t met, I love you! Thank you for sharing your heart. from the looks of it, you’re gonna be better than just ok!!!!

  9. Gerri · May 20, 2014

    Yes! You won, because you guys stood by faith and did not let the devil bring you down. You could have gotten angry and turned from God, which is what the devil wanted, but you didn’t! Praise the Lord!

  10. Shelby · May 20, 2014

    So beautiful. Thank you for this post. All my well meaning words fall short so I will just say, thank you. Continuing to pray…

  11. younglivingwholeness · May 20, 2014

    Cady, I remember meeting you at your work and hearing what you and your husband were going through. I prayed, I thought about y’all and now I hear the news. I’m sorry for your loss, but I am so encouraged by your strength and testimony. I know the Lord will continue to use you in great ways friend. Let Him carry you. May His Spirit always comfort you and hold you close to Father God’s heart. ❤

  12. Pauline Smith · May 21, 2014

    Dear Cady
    I pray that God will strengthen and comfort you. We’ve never met, I live in South Africa, but I’ve followed your journey, and prayed with you. You are such a gifted precious voice and example in this broken world….just know your journey/testimony and voice are heard around the world….Jordan’s life will be remembered and made a difference far beyond what you can image, reaching people globally. God hand picked YOU precious lady, to be “the one” next to him….I’m sorry for your grief, pain and suffering…yet I honor God for it, as you do. So very proud of you my sister….Daddy will make all things new and beautiful again in His precious time….Just rest for a while….Love Pauline

  13. kelseyklcrawford · May 21, 2014

    I didn’t know you or Jordan personally. But I attended ORU, and followed your story. My heart breaks for you… prayers headed your way. You are very talented in writing, and it amazes me that you are able to be so transparent. Your faith in Jesus is immaculate. Thinking of you…

  14. Evie Benton · May 22, 2014

    Dearest one. Sorrow will last through the night, but joy will come again to you.
    May Jesus hold you close, speak kindly to you, fill you with hope.
    You are in my prayers.
    (friend of Jordan’s parents)

  15. Leanne in Indiana · May 22, 2014

    I just started following your mother-in-law after the big video of the twins…I was fascinated by the love of Christ so evident in their hearts! and then I became captivated by the rest of the story…I’m a believer, too…I lost and Mom and a baby and I’m watching other close friends of ours beg for the life of their son…who is also a believer! your words were so beautiful… I will be praying for you…and I know the reunion in Heaven will be so sweet… so sweet… thank you for sharing your story and your heart!

  16. Millie J Grams · May 23, 2014

    Cady, I love you! 💚

  17. sydneydee18 · May 26, 2014

    Reblogged this on Sydney's and commented:
    What great faith.

  18. Julie · July 5, 2014

    Cady, I have no idea how I happened upon your blog, but I found it today in the bookmarks on my iPad. It must have been there for awhile and providentially, I found it again today. Your post is beautiful. I, too, am a young widow. My precious husband died 9 years ago. He was 33 years old and someone who clung to the hope and promise of Jesus and His healing until he took his last breath. His illness was long, and at times so difficult I wasn’t sure my heart could survive the anguish of it all. I shook my fist at God on many occasions and threatened to walk away, but my heart knew I would be nothing – and in complete darkness – without Him. I could never have written something so faith-filled and honoring just months after my husbands death. Jesus walked me gently, and lovingly, through healing that took place in the years to follow. I’m so grateful Jesus can use our greatest pain for His gain. Only God can do that. Your words are a beautiful example of God’s mercy and strength in our weakness. Please do feel free to email me anytime you need someone who understands…even if it’s just to say “I really miss him today.” Grief is a strange thing… It ebbs and flows and can take us by surprise. It’s great to have someone with you who understands. It really would be my privilege. My email is jadams@questcommunity.com. Sincerely, Julie

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