Day Three, Tear Free

I got my typical morning routine down to an art. We probably have very similar morning rituals: start out by waking up, washing your face, brushing your teeth, then hitting up the kitchen for some breakfast, stand there holding your box of cereal weeping uncontrollably, get dressed for the day… wait a second.

Weeping? While pouring cereal? Yes. This is me. Except not this morning, nor the past two mornings. Today is day three of being tear free, and I am proud of it! (Honestly, I am proud of my tearful days too.) Crying is such a foreign thing to me. I consider myself a pretty happy person, I take joy out of celebrating things, and I love life. But lately, I have been crying 1-5 times a day. NBD. Just pass me the greens, and I’ll start weeping.

Jordan has been stone-faced during this entire race. Eyes set on the prize, he wakes up every morning ready to fight. He knows this is only the beginning of his long and happy life. Though I see him flinch every now and then because of the sharp pains in his head, he has his complete gaze set on the hope that comes from the Love that has walked with us every step of the battle. Not a single complain or word of doubt has come out of his mouth. And oh how I admire his strength! He literally is like the action-movie hero that goes out and whoops all the villains, without even cracking a single “Ouch Joker, that really hurt me!”

These days, I have a mind full of questions I ask God daily. Sometimes I get angry with Him. Sometimes I ask Him questions that could make someone cringe (even myself). But after every single time we have a flavorful conversation, I feel loved more than I did before- even with my fists shaking at the heavens, “WHY?!”

Psalms and Job have some great emotional one-liners. Raw feelings right there. No sugar-coated, “Hello God, I feel as if I am currently experiencing a bit of angst because this situation is rather challenging.” Nope. Now with these people, I can relate.

Then I am reminded of My Great Love. He actually started loving me before I even knew He existed. This One has been carrying us through our real-life nightmare, and now I am yelling at Him while He carries me over the shifting seas. I am reminded He has felt what I am feeling, only deeper. Yet I speak to Him with clenched teeth, hoping to make Him flinch. But He holds me closer. I am reminded of what I read about Him: tattered body, barely breathing, He lifted His sweet head to cry through his bloody lips, “My God, my God, why have your forsaken me?

The ultimate emotional one-liner. He knows me and He feels my pain deeper than I do. My tears have been counted, my prayers have been heard. It may sound cliché; everyone says this to everyone who has ever experienced grief. But it sounds the best from the One who is listening.

I am excited for our future because I have made quite the tear-investment as of late:)

When the Lord restored the fortunes of Zion,
    we were like those who dream.
Then our mouth was filled with laughter,
    and our tongue with shouts of joy;
then they said among the nations,
    “The Lord has done great things for them.”
The Lord has done great things for us;
    we are glad.

Restore our fortunes, O Lord,

    like streams in the Negeb!
Those who sow in tears
    shall reap with shouts of joy!
He who goes out weeping,
    bearing the seed for sowing,
shall come home with shouts of joy,
    bringing his sheaves with him.

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Snow days on the ranch. 

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I was looking at Jordan’s head one evening, and realized there is a bald spot where I kiss him every night and every morning! Oops.

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There was a lot of giggles during our wedding ceremony. I love Dr. Steve Greene’s (our pastor, mentor, loved role model) face in this photo. 

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9 comments

  1. Lauren Wilson · December 13, 2013

    So beautiful and amazing. Your faith is a light to those around you – mainly speaking for myself. This was just what I needed to read right now. How God’s love, goodness and grace IS enough for us. We need to receive that. Thank you!

  2. Maria · December 14, 2013

    I cry reading this story… Best love story ever!
    Thank you

  3. Ruth Harms · December 14, 2013

    You don’t know me, but I am following your posts — your life. You both are an inspiration. Thank you for your honesty in this post. I am journaling through the Psalms, one verse at a time. The other day I was at the beginning of a psalm that was all about trouble and grief and discouragement. And my first thought was “I do not want to spend 12 days (12 verses) in this mood. I want happy happy! But then it hit me that life isn’t always happy happy, and it is good that God inspired those parts of the Bible too — because He knows sometimes we do go through extreme difficulties because of this sinful world. And He needs to have that reality pointed out — in the middle of a wonderful story of His love and care and kindness and sacrifice! I don’t understand all about God. I don’t understand all about prayer. But I believe totally in them both! Blessings on you — and thank you for your beautiful writing.

  4. Millie J Grams · December 15, 2013

    Cady, you are such a precious, little lady. I want you to know that the emotions you are experiencing are “normal”! Once, I walked in your shoes and reading your post reminded me of those days when I questioned God, sometimes with tears, sometimes with anger, at what was going on in our lives. One HUGE lesson I learned was that, “God could and would be strong enough and understanding enough to handle any question or emotion I flung at him.” He fully understands your tears and fears. He “looks on the heart” and it’s okay to release those emotions. It’s actually healthy and a normal process for what you are going through. Be gentle with yourself, let the tears flow when they come, and know that our heavenly father loves you and cares for you deeply. Hr walks right along with you, carrying you all the way through. You don’t have to be strong all the time. It’s okay! 💚
    We miss you two so much and we’re hoping to see your beautiful, smiling faces soon. Love, (((hugs))), and prayers,
    Phil and Millie Grams

  5. Tracy · December 16, 2013

    We are Standing in faith with you all! Believing for 100% healing! And 75 plus years! Love it and so encouraged by your faith.

  6. Julia H. · December 16, 2013

    Your faith and strength are inspirational (and contagious)! You are both on my heart and in my prayers often. We stand in faith with you! Much love and prayers.

  7. Rima · December 17, 2013

    Thank you for your inspiring post! Sometimes life is very hard and sometimes things happen here on earth that are just not right! You are very wise to cry when you feel the need to. I ended up in a mess (spiritually, physically, and emotionally) from going through 2 years of hard times and being too busy for tears or dealing with my emotions. Women are often more emotional than men, but I don’t think God is put off by our emotional honesty. He comforts us and encourages us. I’m continuing to pray for you and your husband.

  8. SaphryL from KPIC · December 20, 2013

    The image of your kissing Jordan’s forehead pops up in my mind often through the day and reminds me to keep declaring the life of God to flow through every cell in Jordan’s body and bring health. Thanks for the update and the photos.

  9. Bethany · January 7, 2014

    I was lead to your blog… and am moved by your journey. He is able and He is willing… and so glorified by your trust & faith. I myself suffer from debilitating chronic pain yet wait for healing and am curious what ranch you have visited?

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